we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize