Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
it's not cheating when I paid for it
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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