i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
