you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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