I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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