Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
