God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
