I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
