Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
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