Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
