He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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