I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
