it wasn't lemon gatorade
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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