everyone is single if you try hard enough
meet me or not, i'm out of control
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
