Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
