Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
