Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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