I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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