Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize