Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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