does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Randomize
