No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
