omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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