we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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