I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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