I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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