my mouth tastes like poor choices
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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