She is in my trunk
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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