Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize