Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
we're making bets on your personal life
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
