nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
