My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize