During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
