I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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