Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
