We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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