Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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