this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
