if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
where am i from again
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
