Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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