Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
