I faked an abortion last night.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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