What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
