and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
