Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
nutella sex= disaster
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
