Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
