Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
