when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
