i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
