clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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