matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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