She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
