I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
