If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
