you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
