fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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